A bright, sunny day in the middle of August isn’t the best time to be engaged in a stealth operation, but then I don’t often get to chose the time and place for my missions.  Central command gives me a target and I hit it – as hard as is necessary to get the job done.  It’s what I do and I’m very good at it.

The shrubby jungle that I was working my way through was a strange one, though I honestly can’t say that I’ve seen many up close.  I prefer the urban jungle, myself, but it’s always good to get in touch with Mother Nature now and then, right?  Sure.  Just wish the puffy white seedlings that capped the thinly-stalked plants which I was crawling through didn’t mess with my allergies so much; a poorly timed sneeze could prove disastrous for me.  All a part of the adventure, I suppose, though not the part they tell you about during recruitment, I assure you.

Regardless, the fluff was at least aiding me in terms of concealment, so I couldn’t really complain.  I’d already covered half the distance to my target and he seemed completely unaware of my presence.  This would certainly go more smoothly if I could catch him napping – preferably literally.

I slowly lifted my head above the low canopy of white, just enough that I could make a visual on my target and confirm that he remained stationary, then lowered myself back down.  There were a lot of nuisances that came with being short, but this was where it was to my advantage.  My much larger ally back at base wouldn’t have been able to navigate these plants without stirring them.  Then again, he might just eat them.  I swear that the guy could eat just about anything; cast iron stomach didn’t even begin to describe him.

“Hey, Giggles, are you still there?”

As if on cue, he chimed in over the radio, talking like I was out for a scenic stroll or a picnic.  Worse still, he called me “Giggles”.  No one called me that without getting a severe thrashing.  Stifling a growl, a touched a finger to the microphone at my throat, opening it for communication.  “You know I hate that nickname, Chitters.”  I threw a little emphasis on his own nom de guerre, hoping that he’d get the point, but I should have known better.

“But that’s your name.”

“My name is Cypher.  Agent Cypher when I’m on an op.”  I frowned, holding my ground while I dealt with the distraction.  “And what part of ‘radio silence’ don’t you understand?”

“She calls you Giggles all the time.”

Okay, so there was one person who could get away with it.  That still didn’t excuse him.  “I’m trying to work here!”

“Oh, sorry.  I just thought you might want to know that the target moved.”

“What?”  He’d been stationary just a moment ago!  I lifted up to get another visual on him, but so far as I could tell, he was still in the same place, snoring peacefully.  “What are you talking about, he hasn’t gone anywhere.”

“He rolled over – towards you, not away – and you said to let you know if–”

“Chitters, my friend, you’re a good and loyal comrade, but you’re a few spokes short of a hamster wheel, you know that?”  I didn’t bother letting him ponder the analogy for too long, it would’ve just hurt his brain.  “I meant if he actually got up and changed locations.  Now let’s try the whole silence thing again, shall we?”

I waited a moment for confirmation, but didn’t receive anything.  A few moments later and I started to wonder if our communications had gone dead.  “Chitters?”

“Yes?”

“Everything functioning normally?”

“Of course.  You said to go silent.”

The sigh of exasperation which escaped my lips was actually heavy enough to send a few of those puffy white seedlings scattering from their stalks.  “So I did.  Let’s do it again.”  There was no response, but I had to assume that he was just following orders a little overly well, so I checked the target again, then moved onward.

It took me a few more minutes to close ground on the target, by which time I could hear the dog’s heavy breathing all too clearly.  Naturally, this wasn’t some Chihuahua or Pekinese light-weight; it was quite literally ten times my size, in fact, and all muscle.  I figured it for a Labrador-Rottweiler mix – as black as night and sporting one of those spiked collars that just screamed “killer”.  Or “mid-life crisis”, but he seemed a bit young for that.

Still, the dog remained asleep in the shadow of a lawn chair, his nose buried in the grass as he inhaled the sweet smells of summer, and that allowed me to get nice and close without his awareness.  By the time he knew he was besieged, I was already atop his back, the fur at the scruff of his neck grasped firmly in one hand while I smacked the back of his head with the stick I carried in my other.  He was on his feet rather quickly, not surprisingly, but all his jumping and bucking wasn’t going to throw me off.

“Take that, you brute!”  I chided the beast as I struck him again with the stick, though his yipping carried more fright than actual pain from my assault.  Despite the twig being as long as my leg, his solid frame was certainly absorbing my blows, though there was just as certainly something to be said for the power of fear.  “Thought it was funny when you knocked over our home and slobbered on the bars, didn’t you?  Well, who’s laughing now?  That’s right, beasty, I am!  Haha!”

“Sorry to interrupt you in the midst of battle, Agent Giggles, but the young lady has noticed your absence.”

“Oh, that’s not good.”  An understatement to be sure, as I knew Suzy would be more than a little mad if she found out what I was doing; I needed to end my confrontation quickly.  I still had a firm grip on the beast despite his ongoing attempts to throw me from his back, but it was clear that he wasn’t going to be tiring any time soon.  With Suzy already searching for me, patience was no longer a virtue and I needed to take a more violent approach.  “Time to stop playing around then, I suppose.”

I waited for just the right moment, then used the dog’s own movement to propel me up over his head to where I landed solidly onto his nose.  I kept my stance aggressive, the twig held over my head in classic “hanging guard” form as I glared directly into the beast’s big, brown eyes.  Or one of them, at least.

He came to an abrupt halt, but didn’t seem overly intimidated by my presence.  Confused, perhaps, but having finally seen his attacker, he looked mostly angered by my appearance; I’m certain that he had believed himself to be the victim of someone looking a little more menacing (and much larger) than myself, but I can’t really help it if I’m cute, now can I?  Besides, my diminutive size didn’t make my combat skills any less substantial.

I spun my weapon around and, in a smooth and purposeful arc, lodged the tip of it neatly into the dog’s nostril.  His eyes went wide and his body rigid as he whimpered at his predicament, but I wasn’t finished yet.  I gave a wicked grin as I met the dog’s terrified gaze, taking full advantage of the situation to mess with the beast’s simple mind.

“I would suggest that you remain very still, lest I accidently slip, thrust my twig straight into your brain and kill you.”  It was utter nonsense, of course, as my weapon wasn’t nearly long enough to reach all the way up his snout let alone punch through into his brain, but the brute didn’t strike me as the sharpest knife in the drawer and I saw nothing wrong with taking advantage of that fact.  “So, why don’t we discuss your complete and total surrender, hm?”

To his credit, he didn’t capitulate immediately, narrowing his eyes as he gave a low “whuff”, though he was careful to remain still.  “You’re bluffing!  You won’t kill me, it’d make Suzy cry!”

“Perhaps not,” I smiled back at the low growl of his words, “but sooner or later you’re going to have to sneeze, at which time I may unfortunately slip and jam my weapon in further.  I would much rather have you as an ally than a corpse and Suzy would be heartbroken, after all, but accidents happen, right?.”  I gave the twig a slow turn to agitate his nose, enjoying the twitches that it triggered more than I probably should have.  “You don’t feel like sneezing now, do you?”

The dog whimpered as he fought to stave off the impending sneeze, but it was only a matter of time before he capitulated; what other choice did he have?  “I surrender!  I surrender!  Please don’t stab my brain!”

I likely would’ve gotten a more formal statement but it was looking like he was about to sneeze quite violently so I pulled the twig from his nostril and flung it aside – it was covered in dog snot, after all – even as his entire body shook with a pair of explosive spasms.  I nearly fell from his nose and was forced to cling to him in a manner less than befitting of victory.  I was momentarily concerned that the dog might use it to his advantage and rescind his concession but instead he simply flopped down on the grass and sighed with relief..

“Are you alright?  Those sneezes looked almost painful.”  Showing concern for the enemy may have seemed unwise but, theoretically, at least, he was no longer an enemy.  Or so I was hoping.

“Yeah.  Just... wow.”

“Well said.”  I pulled myself back up into a more dignified position and dusted myself off, still perched atop his snout.  “I do apologize for having to resort to such tactics, but what I lack in size and strength, I must make up for with cunning and strategy.  Now then, I must be off before the young lady locates me out here, but I do hope that you’ll remember this defeat and–”

“Giggles!”

The sound of Suzy’s frantic voice yelling me name informed me that I had dallied too long; she’d found me and there was little to be done about it.  I was certain that I’d be getting quite an earful for having escaped our cage to go gallivanting around the backyard.  “Oh, dear.”  My resignation towards my own fate, however, turned abruptly towards confusion – which was shared by the equally astonished dog – when she screeched in terror and began deriding my conquered foe for attacking me.

“Buster!  Bad dog!  You leave Giggles alone!”

She yelled at the poor beast even as she scooped me up in her hands and began looking me over for signs of injury.   I couldn’t very well help but feel guilty about the confusion, listening as the dog whimpered and she continued to berate him for trying to eat me even as she held me protectively.  I really couldn’t simply stand by and let Buster take blame for an offense in which he had been the victim, so I made a quick move to evade Suzy’s thumbs and leapt down from her hands.

It gave her quite a shock but her fright was misplaced as I used some of those fluffy, white-seeded weeds to break my fall.  The instant I had my feet on the ground I scrambled over to the still-prone dog and up onto the top of his head.  Suzy was, unsurprisingly, astounded at the insanity of my actions, but as she saw me curl up and make myself comfortable between Buster’s ears, she started to piece together a very different version of what had been happening.

“You– you mean that you’re friends?”  Her visage became one of joyful excitement and she dropped to her knees so that she could lean over to rub the dog’s flank.  “That’s wonderful!  Oh, I’m so sorry for doubting you, Buster, you’re a good dog!”

It was quite a reversal of opinion, though the little lady did have a tendency to jump to conclusions before promptly dismissing them in light of new conclusions.  Of course, I could have just let the poor beast get scolded and count that as one more bit of evidence for hamster superiority, but that would’ve been entirely unfair of me, especially in light of his surrender.  Being that he was in service to me, I had to feel somewhat responsible for him.  Besides that, she gave me a nice little back-scratching as well, so it was certainly worthwhile; you can’t beat a good back-scratching.  Except perhaps with a belly rub.

That aside, there was definitely some long-term dividends to be paid from my quick performance.  Even as she led the way inside – pausing to scoop up handfuls of those weeds and send their seedlings scattering to the wind – I remained perched atop my conquered foe; Buster, however, was no longer a foe at all.

“Thanks, Giggles, you really saved my life there!”

Strange as it was to be thanked for preserving that which I had threatened to end, I still appreciated the recognition, if not the name.  “My name is Cypher, not ‘Giggles’, but you are most welcome.  Only Suzy gets to call me Giggles.”  I tacked the last bit on just to head off the inevitable question about it, although he actually seemed to accept it without resistance; it seemed he had other questions on his mind.

“Uh, what exactly are you?  You’re not a mouse, are you?”

“Heavens, no!  I, good sir, am a hamster!”  I stood up tall, filling with pride even as I explained my heritage.  “Phodopus sungorus, to be precise, more commonly known as the Winter White Russian Dwarf Hamster.  My fore-fathers were great warriors who roamed the frozen steppes of Siberia, defending the down-trodden and protecting the rights of all of rodentia!”

“But you’re not white.”

“Of course not, it’s the middle of summer.  I’m a ‘Winter White’.”

“Oh.  Uh, do me a favour, Cypher?  Don’t tell the cats about this, okay?”

I had to chuckle at the request, though I fully understood that the cats would surely taunt him for losing to such a tiny opponent.   I smiled as I patted Buster’s head, plans for the future already swirling in my thoughts.   “Fear not, my friend.  The cats are my next targets.”



Copyright 2009, TJ Brazeau.